So it's been quite a few weeks since I've updated my DeviantJournal, and I figured those who are taking the time to look at my art should know what's going on with the artist.

On September 28, my eighteen-month relationship with Caleb ended. He came over to my house after not talking to me for an entire weekend, and told me it was over. He'd found someone new, and he didn't love me anymore. I was fucking devastated.

As many of you know, I have a severe self-mutilation problem from which I have sixteen months' abstinence. This was not a streak I wanted to end, and I really, really wanted to hurt myself. So I checked myself into a rehabilitation facility again. I realized that the facility and its staff have really gone downhill, and I took less from it this time around than I did the first time.

Still, it was a nice break, and by late October, I was out. At this point, I'd realized that I hadn't been single since I was fourteen, and there's a lot of growing up that happens between the ages of fourteen and sixteen. All of it had been influenced, if not caused, by Caleb, and I was DEFINITELY not used to what happens when you're single. Do I "hook up" with guys? Do I look for another relationship? If I hook up with a guy, does it mean we're dating? Am I too young to be having casual sex? Is there such a thing as too young? These are the questions plaguing me these days.

I'm not looking for someone to answer them. I want to figure them out for myself. Which might be how I ended up doing the Monumentally Stupid Thing. Some guys came over to my house with bud, and I ended up hooking up with one of them. Twenty minutes into it, he felt guilty, so somehow he convinced me into bringing his friend into it. There I am, giving head to two guys who are completely stoned off their asses, and me, completely sober. Afterward, I felt so fucking stupid, I smoked as much bud as they'd give me.

I forgot how to walk, and apparently the cat was too soft and there were too many lines on the wall. This was the first time I'd ever been stoned, so this was interesting.

Now I don't know how to see myself, though. Do I do something like that again? I'll admit, it was fun as hell. Then again, apparently I said some really disturbing, nasty things about the guys to Sam while I was baked.

Do I really want this for my life? What do I want? Do I want Caleb back? Do I just want it all to be over? Do I not care anymore?

Fuck it, I'm going out for a cigarette.